Conversations with Evilwife, #42

E: "What do you want for your birthday, dorkbutt?"

Me: "I don't really need anything."

E: "You gotta celebrate. At the very least, you're another year older."

Me: "Hah! But I'm still younger than you!"


Somebody get that woman a Midol.

How About A Beer?

I renewed my driver's license at the Secretary of State's office first thing this morning. While I was standing in line to pay and have my picture taken I noticed a new sign up on the wall. It said,

"Anybody attempting to bribe a driving examiner will receive an automatic 120 day suspension."

I asked the lady taking pictures if I would get in trouble for bribing her to make me look good in my photo.

She answered, "Honey, that's what the alcohol is for."

Worst Picture Ever

http://www.news-gazette.com/news/local/2008/04/14/interpreter_helps_keep_area_cases_on

Attack of The Killer Dick-Tatoes

Yesterday I was wandering through some surrounding small towns looking for a certain subject. I didn't have a current address for him and the Post Office didn't have any forwarding address. The lady at his previous residence said he hadn't lived there for a couple years.

With no further leads I figured the local PD might have an idea, considering his lengthy criminal record. He'd at least be known to them.

I pulled up next to a squad car with a couple officers inside and flashed my badge.

"Hey guys, I'm a private dick and I'm looking for so-and-so. Y'all got any ideas where I might be able to find him?"

"Oh sure, we know him! But yeah, he moved away a couple years ago. He and his old lady split up. She's seen at least a dozen guys since then. I can give you her address if you need it."

"Thanks. But I have to find him personally. It sounds like she'd probably be pretty busy anyway."

"Ha! Ha! They both were. He was convicted of bigamy so they split up."

"Bigamy huh? Well, I guess at least it wasn't sister-boinking."

The other cop just looked at me and said, "Man, that's not funny."

I guess I hit a nerve.

From The Mouths of Babes

The emo daughter is ill and staying home from school today. After I got home from court in the morning we took this valuable opportunity for one of those rare father-daughter heart-to-heart talks.

ED: "Dad, you never answered my question about why you need a college degree to teach little kids how to throw a big red ball at a fat guy."

Me: ???

My Last Political Post Ever

I used to be in the US Air Force. I served a period of that in Panama as an aircrewmember flying aboard C130H aircraft modified with the "Senior Scout" package. I am very proud of that service.

Due to the nature of flying, trapped gases in the body expand at decreasing atmospheric pressure. These must be released in order to prevent serious physical discomfort. Flying is stinky business.

It was considered good form among our little band to alert your fellow aircrew when this happened. This alert consisted of an "opnote" sent to all the other crew positions with one word that told them something nasty was befouling the air.

That word was "Hillary".

To be fair and balanced, there were those who thought this practice was uncouth. They said it cruelly mischaracterized farts.

"Ohmigod! There's Two of Them!"

evilwife, the Bug and I had a nice lunch with my imaginary friend at a pizza joint on the near north side Saturday. Afterwards, I asked the Bug if he liked meeting my imaginary friend.

"No."

"No? Why not?"

"Because, Dad, you're already married."

"???"

Distracted Driving

There must have been something in the air on Friday: something fierce, something nasty, something that caused horrid mucous formations that people felt compelled to dig out ...

... while driving.

I was headed to Tuscola in the morning and passed a floral printed behemoth of a troll-woman with her thumb buried in her schnozz up to the knuckle.

Later I was headed west on 74 and passed another woman mining for green gold while tripping down the highway.

I must have counted at least a half dozen people picking winners while driving. Do these people think that somehow they are invisible when in their cars? What compels them to grab a nose-pickle in full view of other people? Are they that sure they won't be recognized by someone they know? Granted, I didn't recognize anyone; but I don't eat at Old Town Buffet or shop at Wally-World either. Having seen these people, I'm sure you could find them there.

At this point, I'm just happy I didn't see any nose to mouth action.

Freezin' for a Reason

Don keeps reminding me that the Polar Plunge is coming up. Yeah, about that ....

I put up the link on the right, but they didn't have a good looking one this year so it's rather non-descript. Perhaps you didn't notice it.

Either way, this Saturday, March 8th, Don and I will be taking the plunge at Lake of the Woods in Mahomet. Last year they had to use a back hoe and cut a hole through the ice.

Special Olympics is a great cause and most of the money raised stays with the local organization. If you're looking for a way to help out locally and make a difference, this would be it. Please, just click the fundraising link on the right sidebar and give whatever you can. $5 and $10 donations add up fast. If you'd rather mail a check, contact me via email and I'll give you the address. Like last year, I'd love to raise a cool G.

If it's any incentive, the Fen has been engaged in a project lately where he has been posting on Craigslist as a young hottie slimmie looking for some nsa good times. He tells me he is amassing quite the collection of pics and responses from all kinds of men. I'm thinking that if I hit the mark, perhaps we'll post some of those. Wally thinks I should ask them for money not to post them, but something tells me that might not be legal.

anyhoo ....

check out some of my previous posts about plunging:

Relative Size and The Polar Plunge
Bullocks!
For Tomorrow ...
Sam and Skip
Finally Starting to Thaw

"Somebody Get Me A Bucket!"

good fun longterm job

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Reply to: job-XXXXXXXXX@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-26, 12:06PM CST


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